Before I begin my personal journey with anxiety let me fill you in on what it really is.
Anxiety disorder: A chronic condition characterized by an excessive and persistent sense of apprehension, with physical symptoms such as sweating, palpitations, and feelings of stress.
There are several recognized types of anxiety disorders, including:
- Panic disorder: People with this condition have feelings of terror that strike suddenly and repeatedly with no warning. Other symptoms of a panic attack include sweating, chest pain, palpitations (unusually strong or irregular heartbeats), and a feeling of choking, which may make the person feel like he or she is having a heart attack or “going crazy.”
- Social anxiety disorder: Also called social phobia, social anxiety disorder involves overwhelming worry and self-consciousness about everyday social situations. The worry often centers on a fear of being judged by others, or behaving in a way that might cause embarrassment or lead to ridicule.
- Specific phobias: A specific phobia is an intense fear of a specific object or situation, such as snakes, heights, or flying. The level of fear is usually inappropriate to the situation and may cause the person to avoid common, everyday situations.
- Generalized anxiety disorder: This disorder involves excessive, unrealistic worry and tension, even if there is little or nothing to provoke the anxiety.
Having an anxiety disorder makes writing this just a little more difficult. I have a hard time talking about myself, especially when it comes down to a fault or flaw I have. But I have realized that the more I talk about my issues, the easier it is to overcome them.
I already had a failed marriage at 20 years old, and fighting to keep partial custody of my son. About a 2 years after the separation, I had started noticing signs of anxiety and anger during a relationship I was in (2006-7). It was abusive and angry, and we hid underneath a dark cloud of alcohol and rage. Which ended the both of us in jail for Domestic Violence. With my dwindled confidence and courage, I went back to the relationship because it was the only one I knew. My ex husband thought it was in our sons best interest that I don’t see him, and I agreed. My life had turned upside down. I failed to comply with all court orders, just because I was being selfish and I wanted to do what I wanted to do. The court system gave me another chance to get my things in order, but again, I had a new-found freedom that I didn’t want to give up for anger management classes and community service. Because of that, after splitting up, I ended up signing away 68 days of my life to the prison system (2009) All because I was in love with an angry, manipulative man. I didn’t stick up for myself or even had the courage to do it.But I can’t blame anyone but myself. I would’ve gotten out of the system and done my things, but life was finally good. It’s no justification, because now, I still suffer from all the repercussions from jail time and not getting my shit together.
Its been nearly 10 years, and in that 10 years I met a wonderful man (2008). He took care of me when I finished all my jail time. We went out all the time, we had a bunch of friends, and we laughed. We enjoyed each others company and we fell in love. My anxiety was gone. I was able to meet new people, I did my hair and make up everyday, and I had something worth being happy for. He stood by me when he knew I had some major issues to get in check. But he had no idea the monster I hid inside of me. A few years down the road we got pregnant with our beautiful baby girl. We couldn’t be happier.
With every relationship comes baggage, and history, arguments and struggles. Right before her 1st birthday, we got into a nasty argument. About what? I couldn’t even tell you. Left field accusations, name calling, pure disrespect. He saw the monster in me. And ever since that fight, I’ve had the hardest time controlling it. My daughter is now 4 years old, she has seen the best and worst sides of me. My patience has seized to exist it seems and my relationship has seen enough ups and downs to last 3 lifetimes. And I’m the one to blame.
I have little contact with my son, who is now 11 years old. But I know he has had a happy and loving life with his father. I can’t force him to be in my life because he can make those decisions by himself. Not a day goes by where I don’t kick myself in the ass for not trying a little harder. I’m still struggling hard to get my anxiety and anger in control.
But things have gotten better. Things have turned around. I am more active. I go on a daily bike ride with the dog. It gives me a chance to deep breath, reflect and take some really neat photos (something I LOVE). I have started this blog which is another extension of me. My online refuge, to unleash and let go, so I don’t do it to my family. I have taken steps to seeing a Doctor and learning new tools to keep me “grounded”. I try not to live in the past, because I’m in the now. I share quotes and pictures that inspire me, so I can hopefully inspire others. My daughter is the most important thing, person in my life, so I am doing everything to be a better Mother, role model and person for her. Yoga scares the heck out of me, but I’m going to try (Any yogis out there have any tips for a beginner?) and I’m on the right track to feeding my family and myself a better meal plan.
I can’t forget that my past happened. I can’t forget the people who have helped me get here. Through out my struggle with my disorder, I have had some really amazing people next to me, but the person who has struggled right there with me is my husband (technically we aren’t legally married, but we act as if we are) He has seen the absolute worst side of me, but at the end of the day, he loves me for me and the monster I have inside, because he knows the person I truly CAN be!
*All images were found on Google images. All rights reserved to the original owners/publishers